One of the things I get asked so often as Sex Appeal and Sexual Confidence Coach is: “How do I know when it’s time to take things to the next level?”
Here are ten silent speech steps leading from first advances to getting physically intimate. Hopefully next time you know what to look out for and how to respond. Remember, with body language, look for clusters of behaviour rather than one isolated move.
1. Eyeing the body. When a formal encounter becomes more friendly, gaze drops from the upper business triangle (right eye – left eye – nose and back to right eye) to the lower parts of the face and upper parts of the body. Be alert for this shift which sometimes involves the other person changing his or her body posture including moving back slightly to take in more of your face.
2. Eyeing the eyes. As intimacy increases and so does the amount of eye contact, resulting in those long soulful looks. A refusal to return eye-contact in this erotically charged moment sends a message that you are not certain or are uninterested.
3. Hand touches hand. Contact is usually light but lingering. It may also be disguised as accidental touching or socially accepted behaviour like placing hand beneath the elbow to guide him or her through a crowded area.
4. Hand touches shoulder. Once again this message can be hidden within a socially accepted behaviour. Up to this point either side can withdraw from the encounter and pretend it didn’t happen. If you are the one who made the advance you do not lose too much pride. But once this silent speech has been crossed there can be no going back without suffering a severe blow to your pride.
5. Arm encircles waist. This signals a desire for far greater intimacy. If this is accepted then things move pretty quickly to the next step…uh-um!
6. Mouth Touches Mouth. Once a kiss is exchanged, kissing chemical information is passed on from one person to the other. Kissing adds another sense to the encounter besides smell – that of taste. Taste is not just about saliva but also about body temperature.
The temperature of a normal, healthy human being is 37° C ( 98.4° F), but skin temperature is always lower than this and varies according to our emotional state. When we are anxious or afraid this temperature drops. If we are relaxed or sexually aroused, the temperature increases. During the more intimate stages of a sexual encounter, the fall in body heat sends a message to our sexual partner who interprets it – usually correctly – as lack of interest, dislike, unease or disapproval. People who are emotionally cold are also likely to be physically cold. When a man or woman is described as “hot stuff” or we speak of a “warm embrace” it may well be almost literally true. As they become more passionate “hot people” really do get hot and their partner reads this – correctly – as revealing their emotional state as well.
7. Hand caresses head. Usually women tend to reach for the head before men. Hand caressing head indicates increasing trust between two people because heads are extremely vulnerable – only those we feel close to can touch without us jumping or protesting.
8. Hand fondles body. This is either through clothes or probing under them. Some people close their eyes to concentrate more on their senses of temperature and smell. But keeping eyes open and maintaining eye contact is even more powerful. Not only are you you using your visual, touch, sound and taste senses you also are using the smell sense.
During physical intimacy, not only is sense of smell powerful in evoking emotions, it is also becomes more sensitive to the unique signature smell of our sexual partner. Odours act powerfully on the nervous system arriving at the part of the brain responsible for memory and for preparing us for pleasurable experiences.
The best advice when anticipating this stage of physical intimacy is to use any perfume sparingly and to allow natural body odour to work for you by not disguising or covering it with man-made products. The better feel each of you has for the other as a person, the more easily and happily it will happen.
Guys: Let her become familiar with it. Women especially those who are not taking the oral contraceptive pill have a far greater sense of smell and are drawn to the fresh male odour any day.
Ladies: Let him smell you. Encourage him to smell you around your period. Its the closest your body comes to estrus or heat.
9. Mouth caresses body. When this stage is reached, sexual intercourse is very likely to take place – under the right circumstances.
10. Hand caresses genitals. At this stage the only remaining stage is genital – to – genital contact.
Just two more things about body odour:
1. Sniffing in your partner is a highly sensual affair, however that bacteria fertile breeding ground with the unpleasant acrid penetrating and pungent stale smell of unwashed body is likely to counter any benefits from pheromones. To produce more of that clean body odour, take a good shower before you start exercising and skip the shower after. After you’ve built up a sweat, let him/her get to know your natural odour.
2. When two people sniff each other out, there is a period of time – on average lasting for around 18 months to three years when the chemical is produced in the brain in large quantities and during this period passion and sexual activity is at its height. What keeps us hooked up is the other person’s individual body scent. But like all good things, the positive effects wear off after a certain period of time. Divorce rates peak at around four years into marriage.